I have allowed my full-blown relapse to happen in December There is really a lot in common between my addiction to substance and behavior.
Firstly, one time is never enough, you desire to do it again. Secondly, it is a progressive illness, I can still stop in the beginning, but a time will come when I cannot stop. Thirdly, I was able to hit rock bottom in each and every single one of them. With food and alcohol, it affected my health seriously; mentally and emotionally. With sex, it made me do the most immoral and shameful things.
With gambling, I would end up broke one day. When I was acting out my addiction. I ask myself many times. It did not happen to me, I was still able to stop. What is happening? It was sick to say that I was grateful and contented to feel vulnerable, this feeling kept me vigilant and cautious. I love to do all the wrong things when I do not feel weak and vulnerable. I was feeling confident, hopeful, manageable with everything, I wanted to have more fun, excitement and money before I made the most foolish decision and took the biggest gamble to relapse.
I do not care about anyone except my desire to feed my thought and feeling. It happens because I put myself first before God, my family and everything else.
I was thankful to be bankrupt financially, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically but alive. I could have lost my life, end up in jail or get hospitalize this time. Tomorrow will be a brand new day and new year to start my day one free of self-destructive behavior. The New Year is a good time to start again, Kin. You are not alone. The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
Time for us to balance the books. Substance and behavior abuse can make me feeling numb and slow to change. Gambling can change me into a very cold person and stubborn to change. Jesus tells the story of Lazarus and the rich man to show the great reversal that is coming at death. Christ is our focus, and center in mind, heart, body and soul. It was one of the most foolish and risky thing I did.
I did not enjoy doing the binge drinking, gambling, eating or sex. I allow it to happen, it started small in the beginning, it is very subtle, sneaky and cunning before I self destruct completely. Love God, love others Principle before personalities Interest before self.
Whenever I become self-centered, and not willing to sacrifice my selfish interest for God, my family and others, I am in trouble. I need to put in place activity everyday to remind me of that. When I become blind, I cannot see. When I forget, I cannot remember the reasons why I was staying stop and doing what I was doing. Last year was not the most peaceful and quiet year, I had to adapt to the changes and stay on course for many months.
There were 2 periods, near April and October which gave me a bigger setback, both times are triggered by fear, frustration, helplessness and insecurity from my job. The most horrible thing in was doing things that are morally unacceptable, disgraceful and shameful. The most pleasant thing in was discovering the benefits of fasting and its relationship with giving up doing the things I love most. Jesus begins by contrasting two different people: 1 a rich man who is dressed very nicely and eats very well each day, and 2 the poor man named Lazarus who is lying down at the rich man's gate.
Luke Lazarus is covered with sores, and Jesus illustrates his tragic condition by saying Lazarus longed to eat whatever fell from the rich man's table and even the dogs licked his sores. Both of these men die.
Just as it was in life, there is again a huge contrast between them after death. The poor man is carried off by angels to be with Abraham, whereas the rich man is buried and ends up in Hades. While being tormented, the rich man calls out to Abraham and Lazarus, who can both be seen far away. The rich man says that he is tormented in flames and he wants Lazarus to dip even just the tip of his finger in water, in order to cool his tongue.
Abraham responds to the rich man saying that he lived in great comfort while on earth, while Lazarus lived in agony, so now the opposite is true and Lazarus is comforted. Abraham then tells him that no one can cross between the two places, because a great chasm separates them.
The rich man then begs Abraham to send Lazarus back to earth, so that he can warn the rich man's brothers in hopes that they will not have to come to the place of torment that the rich man is in. However,Abraham responds by saying that the rich man's five brothers already have Moses and the prophets, and that the brothers should listen to them. The rich man still insists that his brothers will repent if someone comes back from the dead, but Abraham responds that if the five brothers "do not listen to Moses and the prophets, neither will they be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.
In the parable, we can see how it turns out for those who love money and live well, while others remain poor and suffer. As Jesus tells the Pharisees in Matthew , they love their money and neglect the important matters of the law, such as justice, mercy, and faith. The story also illustrates how God has already warned everyone through Moses and all the prophets by: 1 giving us His law, and 2 Warning us to obey it.
I have never read this parable until today. The message highlight and address my disobedient to God and the recovery program. Good message, Kin. Worth watching. Satan is a bluffer! Happy New Year. Thanks for sharing Kin I feel like a fool for taking the bait so many times Not today!
No more! Sometime I have more but I worry that it is not enough and fall into the devil 's trap. Today I have so little but it help me to pay my bill and I still have some leftover, they are enough. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
I am not making the same mistake I made last year. When I was not happy at work around this time last year and knew I will soon be out of a job and income. I was worried that the money is not enough. I used those money to clear my credit card bills and gave some to the family. The story doesn't end here. I resign from the company in April and I continue to gamble after that.
I loses everything I won and everything available to me. I used up all my credits and loans. In the end, I lost more than I win "again". The story was the same every time, gambling was a progressive illness, slowly I will become more and more impulsive and compulsive until one day I cannot stop and loses everything.
The devil will use every way to find one that works. Food, porn and alcohol will open the floodgate to gambling for me in the end. These activities was comforting, look harmless to others but it does the same to my mind, exactly like what drugs and gambling do to my brain, you can see what is happening if you do a brain scan as proven in many studies.
Studies have shown that the same does not happen to a normal person on the street when they did the same brain scan, it only work on an addict. I can remember that feeling I had in December but could not find the words to describe them. Today I found these words to describe those feeling. I was disconnecting to God and connecting to the world. I could sense something is wrong but I could not tell or see what was wrong.
The message and solution I receive today. Prayer is connecting to God and fasting is disconnecting to the world. Hi Kin, This is so strange. I decided to drop by and wish you a happy new year. I was then going to go and post on my own thread about how I had left God behind and am trying to go it alone. Then I read your post and it described exactly how I was feeling- disconnected from God and connected to a world which really doesn't want to know if I am ok.
I am going to pose the question - if addiction can change the brain , surely it must be possible to change it back again? Like when we practice the piano we become really good.
Maybe if we really abstain from even gambling thoughts our brains will change back? I have no ideabut I reckon science will soon discover how. Perhaps fasting is the cure- the bible talks about fasting and the bible is never wrong. Perhaps fasting can change our brain chemistry?
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